By Dave Abrahams
BMW's F800 set out to be all things to all riders; it was designed to be an entry-level bike for born-again riders, a competent midweight sports tourer and a workable everyday commuter. But most of all it was supposed to have that flat, slightly soulless, all-round competence that typifies the children of the Blue Propeller.
Well, BMW got it wrong; somewhere along the way Spandau's first parallel twin morphed into a quirky bike with a distinct and rather abrasive personality and more than a few rough edges – a tsotsi of a motorcycle with a definite hooligan streak and almost enough performance to back it up
The F800's engine is, of course, built by Austrian specialist Rotax.
For, under that severely styled, angular BMW corporate clothing, beats a somewhat uncouth Austrian heart that likes nothing better than to get out there and boogie.
The F800's engine is, of course, built by Austrian specialist Rotax. It's a tall, slab-sided lump with a deep, DOHC cylinder head and a semi-dry sump, running a third con-rod and a hefty balance weight in opposition to the two pistons in an attempt to cancel out the off-beat vibrations all parallel twin suffer from.
It works, too. The engine runs turbine-smooth up to its torque peak at 5800 though beyond that some quite harsh secondary vibration makes itself felt through the footpegs and frame (the handlebars are damped by hefty end-weights), particularly on overrun.
Nevertheless, it likes to rev and runs willingly up to the red line at 8500rpm in the lower gears
The bike's progress in traffic is a series of inelegant jerks
. In performance testing the bike went up to 180km/h with commendable alacrity but I had to get down behind the little sports screen and wait for more.
After using most of my six-kilometre straight the F800 S topped out at 219km/h with the rev-counter needle hovering right on the power peak at 8000rpm, as if to demonstrate that BMW got the gearing absolutely right.
Even then it was burning only 6.5 litres/100km, thanks to fuel-injectors set very lean to meet EU emission legislation. At low speeds, however, that leanness translates to a very sudden transition from trailing throttle to power on and the bike's progress in traffic is a series of inelegant jerks - no matter how gentle the rider's throttle hand.
This failing, typical of Bosch fuel-injection systems, is exacerbated by a grabby clutch and an astonishingly vocal gearbox – even by BMW standards. Even the damping effect of the toothed-belt final drive can't iron out the excessive transmission lash.
Upshifts are relatively civilised with a short, crisp lever throw. The gearbox even seems to prefer them without benefit of clutch but downshifts are way too positive as the dogs engage with an all-too-audible "clunk" that's felt through the frame as much as heard.
All of which adds up to a drive train that cruises smoothly on the open road at up to 140km/h but is buzzy beyond that - and rough to the point of crudeness around town. Yet, after a week of living with the F800 S, I came to appreciate its honesty and willingness to work.
Unsophisticated running gear
The running gear is also surprisingly unsophisticated by modern standards, especially BMW standards. The front wheel runs in 43mm conventional forks devoid of any adjustment while the single-sided swing-arm is pivoted on the back of the gearbox, like a Ducati, and modulated by an offset hydraulic damper adjustable for pre-load and rebound damping only.
It's all held together by a simple, twin-spar aluminium frame but the set-up works magnificently. The bike's suspension and road-holding are its best features and the F800 S went over my bumpy test track at a steady 90km/h without shaking its head or bouncing either wheel off the road - and was as comfortable as an enduro bike doing it.
Yet it would settle into long fast bends or dive into short, tight turns like a stiff-legged race replica, braking hard into corners without nose-diving excessively. Braking is firm and progressive, courtesy of Brembo at each end, with anti-lock brakes as an option (R5200 extra, bundled with heatable grips).
Throw it around
There's more than enough cornering clearance without radical footpeg bracketry thanks to the narrow engine. Keep the revs up and you can throw this surprisingly sporty street bike around like a track-day special.
The seat is a little high at 820mm (a 790mm seat is available for the vertically challenged) and the bars a little too wide – you sit with your hands a little further apart than your shoulders which can be wearying - but that gives plenty of leverage for hard turning.
As always with BMW, the upholstered bits are perfectly shaped and luxuriously padded. I was more comfortable, for longer, on the F800 S than I expected. It's possible to fit the panniers BMW offers for the F800's touring sister the ST to the more sporting S and that mightn't be a bad idea - it's comfortable enough to make a viable tourer.
BMW's F800 S turned out to be something of a surprise package with a barely-civilised drive train in a remarkably capable chassis - and a whole lot more character than I expected.
If you're not into ultra-smooth, four-cylinder glitzbikes and prefer machines with fewer cylinders and more soul, this might just be the alternative twin for you.
Test bike from Atlantic Motorrad, Cape Town.
